| A few months ago, a friend called to ask if I'd like | | | | anyone who accidentally took their wave, ensured |
| to join her on a surfing lesson at Manly Beach in | | | | the closest I came to the thrills of surfing was |
| Sydney. Giving thought to my answer, two | | | | through the eyes of a six o'clock sports news |
| images flashed to mind. My thirty-nine year old | | | | camera.After the lesson I realised how irrational |
| battle weary body, attempting to hang five with a | | | | these fears had been. I'd seen dozens of board |
| gaggle of bewildered foreign backpackers and | | | | riders emerge from the sea every day. They all |
| pointing school kids. And more vividly, the look on | | | | still had their torsos, and very few walked as if |
| the faces of my settled couple and | | | | they had a surfboard stuck in their backsides. |
| married-with-kids friends if they knew I was even | | | | Never again would I allow an issue outside of my |
| considering the idea.Having recently broken out of | | | | control to prevent me from living out my surfing |
| Sydney's Lower North Shore maximum suburbia | | | | dream!Which meant I'd need a more tangible fear. |
| and moved to fun-filled Manly beach, I had already | | | | It came to me just after the smirking surf shop |
| become a prime suspect in their case against | | | | grommet had taken my money and watched me |
| dirty-thirties attempting to recapture lost youth. It | | | | leave with eight feet of fiberglass, a rubber suit, |
| wasn't that I'd been caught driving a red | | | | two packets of golden tan bikini girl board wax, |
| convertible sports car or acting suspiciously | | | | and his sunglasses stand wrapped in my leg rope. |
| outside Botox clinics. However, I had been hauled | | | | Maybe my sensible friends were right after all? |
| into Fresco painted living rooms and interrogated | | | | Perhaps I was pathetically holding on to a long lost |
| under the glare of designer mood lighting over | | | | youth?Coyly making my way down the beach, I |
| alleged mixed touch football games on weekends, | | | | felt the stares of sunbakers boring into me, |
| bar hopping on school nights, and clubbing on any | | | | knowing exactly what they were thinking. A voice |
| night, sternly warned that such activities were not | | | | came over the lifesaver club speakers. No-one |
| something a self-respecting man of my age | | | | ever understands those announcements, but I |
| should be involved in."Sure, count me in" I replied. | | | | heard it clearly, "You, the thirty-nine year old guy |
| Breaking the news to the fun police couldn't be | | | | in the hysterically fitted wetsuit. Act your age. Put |
| any more embarrassing than having to answer | | | | down the surfboard and move back between the |
| the question asked of every male living in a | | | | flags. Nice and slow." Just as I thought the game |
| beachside suburb, "So do you surf?" with a | | | | was up, I took one last look at the lapping water |
| mumbled reply about body bashing in a pair of | | | | and realised I'd come to far to stop now. |
| flippers. Besides, one lesson was hardly a | | | | Mustering every ounce of courage in my |
| commitment. It was like a speed date. I'd hook up | | | | entertaining frame, I clutched my board like a |
| with a few boards, share some laughs, make a | | | | swagman with his tucker-bag and yelled, "You'll |
| fool of myself, and never be seen again.The day | | | | never catch me alive", crashing into the sea, |
| arrived, and everything seemed to be was going | | | | leaving the world of epochlitically correct troopers |
| to plan. Paddle out, thrash about like a puppet on | | | | in my wake.I've been honing my paltry surfing |
| amphetamines, catch a wave, attempt to stand | | | | skills for a while now and still find myself upside |
| shakily, fall off comically, try to laugh at ones self | | | | down more often than not, but it doesn't matter. |
| louder than at those around you, and start again. | | | | As any golf hacker will tell you, one sweet drive |
| At this rate, I'd be back in the safety of the pub | | | | down the middle of a long straight fairway |
| in no time, telling those who asked, "Yeah, I used | | | | redeems 99 slices into the car park and dribbles |
| to surf until I wiped out on a submerged German | | | | off the end of the tee. Just give me one smooth |
| and did my back in."Then the most bizarre thing | | | | ride on a glistening blue satin-sheet wave, |
| happened. After landing one particularly kind wave | | | | overflowing champagne froth in my wake, and |
| and staggering to my feet, the regulation left | | | | not a backpacker to be seen between my board |
| hook that had sent me crashing to the canvas all | | | | and the beach, and this middle-aged delinquent will |
| day never arrived. I was still standing, surfing right | | | | always be back for more. Because the only thing |
| over the top of the remaining backpackers, while | | | | that scares me these days is imagining what life |
| the school kids didn't even register a bump!There | | | | would be like if I'd never become a surfer |
| was no denying my giant esky lid was about the | | | | dude.Four things every late starter should know |
| size of the QEII, and would have remained stable | | | | about surfing:1.Physiological studies have |
| with an entire Central African government | | | | demonstrated that surfing is an excellent form of |
| onboard, however, gliding across water with the | | | | exercise. An aerobic fitness study at Deakin |
| sun on my face, salt on my lips, and sand in my | | | | University found that competitive surfers rate |
| shorts left me exhilarated in a way no Sunday | | | | comparable to Nordic skiers and distance runners, |
| night happy hour ever had. By the end of the | | | | whilst my study found it reduced budding |
| lesson I knew that somewhere in a surf shop out | | | | man-boobs and wobbly love handles.2.Male surfers |
| there, a shapely piece of fibreglass was calling my | | | | have licence to stand at the back of the beach |
| name.From an early age, I'd always loved Sydney | | | | and ogle women for at least fifteen minutes |
| beaches. Face-planting on a sandbank after | | | | longer than other men before being arrested, |
| catching a 'dumpa'; having to "do a runner" across | | | | provided they at least pretend to be studying the |
| the scorching hot sand until we found a place to | | | | swells in the water too. Female surfers have no |
| drop our towels; waiting ravenously in the shop | | | | additional ogling rights over other women because |
| line for a chocolate Paddle Pop and a pie n' sauce | | | | men only wish they all did it more often.3.It is |
| with the sensation of course damp sand under | | | | worth investing in a good quality wetsuit. In |
| my feet, and scent of salt caking bodies under | | | | addition to their heating benefits, they evenly |
| my nose; the golden tanned girls who, well, just | | | | distribute excess body lard throughout the rubber |
| walked around being golden tanned girls. My | | | | skin.4.No matter what your mates tell you, a |
| transcendental surfing lesson aboard the HMAS | | | | wetsuit should be worn with the zipper at the |
| Polystyrene left me wondering, "Why didn't I try | | | | back. I promise.Best places to learn to surf in |
| this years ago?"Amongst a list of very lame | | | | Sydney:Manly Surf School Offers classes at four |
| excuses, only one seemed to have any validity. | | | | of Sydney's northern beaches daily throughout |
| Fear. As a teenager without a car, it had been | | | | the year.Bondi Surf School - Lets Go Surfing |
| less frightening to stand in the local nets and | | | | Offers classes at Sydney's most famous beach |
| watch cricket balls fly towards my face, or | | | | throughout the year.Simon Hillier runs Get There, |
| attempt, and often fail, to jump BMX bikes over | | | | a freelance writing service based in Sydney, |
| 5ft ditches, than let golden tanned girls see me | | | | AustraliaIn a career spanning 18 years, Simon has |
| hanging out at the beach with mum and dad.In | | | | worked in advertising, television production, travel, |
| my twenties, I was building a career, travelling the | | | | sales and marketing, and e-commerce. In 2005, |
| world, and discovering that there was more to a | | | | during a rare moment of clarity, if not sanity, |
| female's beauty than the shade of her tan. By | | | | Simon leapt from the relative safety of his office |
| this time my parents were permitted to | | | | cubicle, into the murky waters of freelance |
| accompany me in public, however, the thought of | | | | writing, where he now specializes in feature |
| prehistoric man-eaters licking their lips underneath | | | | articles, travel writing, copywriting, web content, |
| my bobbing sea biscuit, and tales of 120kg | | | | ebooks and scriptwriting. |
| neanderthals performing surfboard proctology on | | | | |