| Well Darlings, | | | | following the Scottish tradition, they wore nothing |
| I see a new style of restaurant has opened in | | | | under the kilts. But a female police officer has |
| Clerkenwell, London. It's called: Dans Le Noir - if | | | | complained that, after imbibing too much alcohol, |
| you took French, you're ahead of me. Based on a | | | | one of the policemen stood on a table and inched |
| similar successful one in Paris, it leaves you very | | | | his kilt up until he was showing his helmet. |
| much in the dark about what you are eating - | | | | Silly German policemen! Get a new dictionary! |
| literally. You dine in total darkness. The food and | | | | Nothing worn under a kilt means that nothing is |
| wine is served by partly-sighted or blind waiters | | | | worn-out - it's all kept in good working order! |
| who guide you to your table, serve you, and | | | | Besides, what true Scotsman would be affected |
| even take you to the loo. Anything that might | | | | enough by mere alcohol to disgrace himself in |
| help you to cheat the system, like the display | | | | such a way? And, more to the point, what true |
| from a mobile phone or even a lit cigarette, is | | | | Scotsman would ever need to stand on a table |
| prohibited. The Frenchman behind the | | | | and inch his kilt up in order for his asset to be |
| £800,000 venture, Edouard De Broglie, claims | | | | seen? Hoots Mon! He would simply have to untie |
| that the darkness awakens your senses and you | | | | it! |
| appreciate the real taste of the food. He also | | | | More seriously: I see that in Paris work has begun |
| says that by sitting alongside people you don't | | | | on converting all their self-sanitizing public toilets to |
| know or can see makes you talk to them more. | | | | work for free - and they have more than two |
| It's definitely not for me, that's for sure, but I | | | | hundred of them. They are doing it not for the |
| guess it's crazy enough to make money, although | | | | tourists, who don't have a problem with paying, |
| how someone like Egon Ronay would ever | | | | but for the homeless people because this is often |
| manage to mark a meal out of ten for | | | | their only chance to use a proper toilet during the |
| presentation, beats me. I should think complaints | | | | day. The authorities hope to recuperate the |
| are rare there too. "Waiter, there's a fly in my | | | | money lost on the toilets by having to spend less |
| soup." How would you know? Oh, yuk! And I have | | | | on the street cleaning. By looking after the poor |
| to wonder: what do the people find to talk about | | | | people spending their pennies, they may be saving |
| in the dark? | | | | themselves pounds. How sensible! I wonder where |
| "Excuse me, what did you order? And what did | | | | they nicked that idea from? |
| you get?" or, "Sorry, I seem to have lost my | | | | Now, with the rush to make gay themed films |
| escargot. Do be careful if you've ordered the | | | | gathering pace since Brokeback Mountain has |
| profiteroles, won't you?" or, "Waiter! I need to be | | | | been received so well, I was surprised to see that |
| taken to the loo. Are you the cute one?" | | | | former 007 Bond actor, Pierce Brosnan, has |
| Just when you thought you'd seen it all! | | | | forced the producers to cut gay sex scenes |
| Moving on: I have to give full marks to Virgin | | | | from his new film "The Matador". He is reported |
| Trains who have spent £45,000 on 1,500 | | | | as saying the gay scenes were "too much," and, |
| atomic watches and presented them to their | | | | "came on full tilt." Hmm. Wouldn't that have made |
| drivers, station staff, guards and controllers. No | | | | a good movie, then? I mean, how far would Bond |
| more will we have to ask them, "Do you realise | | | | have got if it had only been a case of, "0h, 0h, |
| how late this train is?" Now they will know! | | | | Four-and-a-half"? |
| And if you are one of those people who relies on | | | | And now coming towards the end of the column |
| swanning around in your bespoke or | | | | this week I've had to scrap the last section to |
| made-to-measure tailoring to impress, you've just | | | | make space for the breaking news that Tony |
| lost out. The latest in thing - if you'll pardon the | | | | Blair took us to war in Iraq after seeking guidance |
| pun - is made-to-measure condoms. A | | | | from God. We're told viewers of ITV's Parkinson |
| Cologne-based company Lebenslust (Lust for Life) | | | | programme on Saturday 4th March will hear the |
| has invented a system to make personalised | | | | PM asked if he had sought holy intervention on |
| condoms by using a machine which produces a 3D | | | | the issue, to which it is reported he answers, "In |
| computer image of the customer's member. Once | | | | the end, there is a judgement that, I think if you |
| this is achieved the person may then choose the | | | | have faith about these things, you realise that |
| thickness of the condom and add any surplus | | | | judgement is made by other people... and if you |
| details they may require. | | | | believe in God, it's made by God as well." |
| The owner of the business, Oliver Gothe, claims, | | | | He's has blamed everything from dodgy dossiers |
| "These condoms will fit so well you will hardly | | | | to the wrong information as his reason for the |
| notice you are wearing one. We can make them | | | | war - so why not drag God in for his share of |
| wafer thin or fist thick and 'engrave' them with | | | | the blame too? If it wasn't so tragic, it would be |
| your signature wrapped around the base." | | | | funny - but it can never be funny because so |
| Interested? The service costs around £600 | | | | many have died, and are still dying, because of a |
| for an unspecified number. Which is good, if you | | | | man who heard voices, experienced divine |
| really want to boast, because on the assumption | | | | intervention, or was "guided" in his decision! |
| that "the less you have, the more you get" it will | | | | Faith is a very personal thing. It should stay that |
| mean you can tell other people you could only get | | | | way. No man has a right to take a nation to war |
| a dozen for the price! | | | | because of his religious beliefs! And never more |
| Neither snobbery nor prophylactics will ever be | | | | so than in a multi-racial, multi-cultural country like |
| the same again! | | | | ours. There will be many in the world who will only |
| Staying with the Germans, it seems they have | | | | see his revelation as the proof they needed that |
| brought a whole new meaning to a Policeman's | | | | this war was the Holy War that they had always |
| Ball. Three of their policemen are facing disciplinary | | | | believed it be! Tony Bair - a very silly man. |
| action after wearing kilts as fancy dress to a do - | | | | See you next week... |
| a party held in a brewery. Saying they were | | | | "The Bitch!" 3/03/06. |